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Dowry & Marriage
The
dowry process:
When the man wants to marry
the woman, he first proposes to the woman.
If she agrees, he then sets a meeting with
elders of his tribe.
Elders are usually members of the extended
family who are in their 60's and above.
He then sends this delegation to the girls
family.
Before they go, they send word that they
want to visit on a certain date. Usually, this is done between 1-3 months.
The entourage is usually a group of 8-15
members.
When the elders go to the girl's home,
they are met by the girl's family who also have
by this time called their group of elders.
They usually bring small gifts of dry foods,
for example
rice, wheat, sugar, tea ,cooking oil, etc.
This is a common practice when one visits
any family, and so this is not part of the dowry.
After the food and the warm welcome, the
elders of the man say something like this.
We have an interest in one of your "sheep"
or we have noticed one of your sheep, and
we would like to bring her to our homestead.
Likewise, if a girl
elopes, the elders go to the boy's home
and say something like this.
" We have lost one of our sheep, and
we heard that it was seen here….
The negotiations
are not done that day, so the
elders then say that they just wanted to
come and visit and they will be back.
After a time is set, usually in a few weeks,
the elders return.
The negotiations then start.
The talking is done only by the elders.
It is taboo for the young man to speak,
and in doing so, he could seriously jeopardize
the negotiations. The rule of thumb in negotiating
the dowry used to be:, what ever the father of the bride paid for his mother,
that is what he would request for a bride price. Things have changed much since then. The bride price now is determined by several factors.
·
How
much education the girl has received
·
If she has a career
·
Social Class
Young
men today are having a hard time because There
are no rules and some people have become very
greedy. The dowry is still negotiated in terms
of cows, goats, and honey.
Once the price has been determined, it
is now converted into cash.
The elders leave a down payment and a day
is then set for the wedding.
Dowry negotiations are usually done over
several weeks or months.
The balance can take years to pay.
Usually the family never asks for the balance.
If the man doesn't’t finish paying the
balance, then if he has a daughter, she cannot
be married unless he finishes paying the balance.
(This is very embarrassing, and most people
avoid this)
If they never have children, then the man's
family is left with a "stain" that they
never honor their word and this becomes common
knowledge.
For this reasons, the bride price "loan"
is always paid up.
When the bride price is finally paid up,
there is a ceremony done.
This in the olden days signified a marriage
. The
family of the bride usually kill a goat and they
give the front legs to the husband.
This signified that he was now the husband
of the woman and that he , and not her father
bears the full responsibility for her.
This practice is still done even today.
The Marriage Ceremony
The
whole community usually gets involved.
The women team up and organize the menu,
and they contribute the food. The young men and women team up and raise funds for the wedding.
This is done through a "pre wedding
party"
There is usually no engagement
rings or "official"
engagement ceremony.
The young men arrange for transportation
and refreshments.
The man is usually responsible for the
bride's dress, and the younger children who will
be in the wedding party.
The bride chooses her bride's maids and
she usually chooses from both sides and includes
her friends.
Kikuyu weddings are usually huge.
It is not uncommon to find the bridal
party of 20+.
Eve
before the wedding:
The
night before the wedding, The young man brings
people from his village to visit his future in
laws. They
usually come not just to visit, but to help with
the wedding, usually cooking, etc.
they usually arrive around dusk, and they
come in a "train" of cars.
As they get close to the house, they all
start hooting their cars and they don’t stop until
they are allowed in the bride's homestead.
When the hooting starts, the village women
from the bride rush to the gate and block it.
The negotiations then begin.
This time, it is done in form of music
and song.
The women sing that they "didn't hear"
the young men come, why do they want to "steal
" their daughter away?
They are requested to go back and return
in the right way. The groom and his team drive back (about 1/2 mile) and they
return .
The women then ask for blankets, sugar,
tea, soda pop and other small items. The idea behind is: Our
"daughter" used to
cook tea for us, we don’t know who can
replace her.
All this is done through song and dance,
and the young man usually brings a woman who would
be the main negotiators
in the song
saga.
This can go on for about an hour.
The young man is then let in .
The items that are requested are then shared
out among the villagers.
The women then join in the festivities
and the all night cooking.
The day of the wedding
The
Wedding is an all day (and night ) affair. The
day starts when the groom and his "train
" of cars go to the girl's home to pick her
up. They
then go to a church and after the ceremony , they
go to the field
or hall where the reception will be held.
Since the whole community get involved
it is not uncommon to have 5000(yes- five thousand)
guests.
The more a family is known, the more people
attend the wedding. After church (which lasts
about 2 hours) they
go for a photo shoot.
They go to the reception after that where
the whole community is fed.
The food
is served by the girls on the bride's side.
The people in the community then bring
gifts to the couple.
The father's bride buys the bed.
The rest of the furniture is given as gifts
by friends, and the community in general.
By the end of the day, the couple usually
has their whole house furnished and they usually
don’t need to buy anything.
The reception lasts for a few hours and
is filled with speeches and "advice "
on how to relate to each other and the community.
The young man is given advice on responsibility,
while the young bride is advised on "feeding
her husband" and given "tools "
( with demonstration).
Things like a
weeding hoe, a basket, among other items
are officially presented to the bride.
After this very long reception, the couple take a break and
prepare for the evening party.
This is usually held under great secrecy
so as to limit the number who will attend.
It is usually held in a hotel far from
the village.
The truth is , somehow, everyone finds
out. Beer
is served and the young man pays for it all.
The couple show up around 10pm or 11pm.
They would open the evening party with
a dance and then the exhausted couple exit.
They don’t go for a
"honey" moon, they just go to
their new home.
The party goes on till 4-6am the next day.
People
usually don’t cerebrate anniversaries.
The unfortunate thing is that, the man
almost never takes his new wife on dates anymore.
The young wife is often left at home while
the man stays out with his "buddies". This creates a
lot of tension in the marriage.
When
Women married Women
In
the olden times, older women used to marry younger
women. These women were either young widows
or old spinsters. This was done as a way
to care for this groups of people. The older
woman would take care of the young "wife"
( she was called a wife). If she had children,
the kids last names would be changed to hers.
If she didn't have children, the "husband"
would chose a man for her to have children for
her. The young wife would then bear children
for her. When the young woman's children would
reach the age of marriage, the dowry would be
paid to the older woman, and if there were sons
involved, she would pay the dowry.
If the young wife disobeyed or disrespected her,
she would discipline her. Discipline was
done in the form of beatings. The young
wife would not fight back, but would have to take
the beatings. The only obligation the young
wife had to her partner was to cook for her, perform
any house hold duties and tend the farm.
There was no sexual relationship whatsoever.
In the Kikuyu tribe, homosexuality (then and now)
was not done, let alone imagined. In this
type of a marriage, the dowry was also paid.
If the older woman died, the young wife would
then inherit her property. This was the
only time that a woman would inherit property
during those times. This practice of women
marrying women died out in the early 1920's .
Conflict in marriage, divorce
and re
marriage
The girl may go back to her
parents in case of conflict.
The husband must send elders on his behalf
t o go and talk with the girls parents. If
he wishes her back.
If
as separation is inevitable, the children
always go with the mother and are brought up by
the girls parents. In
this case the boys parents pay compensation in
term of cows and goats as
determined by the elders of the girls clan.
Divorce is very rare
with the Kikuyu's in spite of all the problems
that women endure.
Re marriage is even more rare even after
the death of one spouse. In the olden days, any woman who was "returned" (
a term for divorce
in the olden days ) lived with the "stench"
of being a divorced woman.
Because of this, women endured even in
a bad marriage.
Now things are starting to change.
The name calling has not ceased, but a
lot of
women are rebelling and separating from their
husbands.
The main problem is that most men have
mistresses and even though they don’t divorce
their wives, they divorce them emotionally and
financially.
Some men barely support their wives and the women are left with the task of
raising up the children and supporting them.
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